Today was HARD!!!

My good old friend depression came to visit. I think he said he's sticking around for a while. When I'm depressed food is my comfort. Today was one of those days that I caved. I feel bad about it but I can't let that make tomorrow another day like today. I'm really determined that tomorrow be a better day. I feel like I could sleep for days. That's basically all I did today was sleep and eat. 944 calories over. *sigh* I don't even know why really, I mean I do, I can see it right there on the screen. Emotionally I am trying my damnedest to get over Nich. I thought I was through all of this, then I have one of those days that I just feel alone, even surrounded by good friends I feel alone. Every time I tried to get out of bed today it was too comfortable just to stay there and close my eyes to the world....It looks like it's gonna be another one of "those" nights.....

Sunday.....

Sunday wasn't so great for me. Other than a high fever and a trip to the ER I still managed to rack up the calories. I should remember that just because I'm sick is no reason to over eat, especially after the two days before that and my lack of "watching" what I was eating. It's alright though. I recognize it and still counted all my calories for all the days. Monday(which is teq. today even though I haven't slept yet) is going to be better.

I went to the ER when my fever was at 99.9. By the time Alicia got me to the ER (Mark followed us...I'll explain him in a second) my fever was almost 103. The infection was making me dizzy and nauseated. I had a pretty good idea what was wrong, so I explained to the ER Dr. what I thought it was and he listened and agreed, so with in an hour of going to the ER I was on my way to WalMart with a RX for a really potent antibiotic and mild pain killer. So with all that said.

Mark is a friend I've been hanging out with lately. He's a great guy. Even though he HATES hospitals he still went with us...

Another day.....

So today was day two of actually burning more calories than I ate. GO ME! I'm learning a lot about what and why I crave the foods I do. Tomorrow night is going to be a real test. I need to look up "light" drinks. I had a little bit of muscle soreness today. Talked to a couple people about it and we all kinda think it's my body adjusting, that and I need to remember that I need protein. I'm taking a good multivitamin. I need to remember to take it before bed, otherwise it makes me super queasy.

I've been thinking about a few things. There is a big difference between my self image and the way people see me. I actually think I am smaller than people see me. I know this because when I see myself in pictures a lot of times I go..."I'm really that big?". I also know there is a HUGE difference between knowing I'm fat and someone actually making a comment or giving me a look. And trust me in my 28 (almost 29) years I've been called numerous names and I know what other people think of us shouldn't matter, but honestly it does, even if it is just a little bit.

I tend to find something to focus all my energy on, and most of the time it's something outside of myself. This is one time, that I am focusing on me, for me. I don't want the health problems I have now to get worse and most of the health problems I do have are caused by the excess weight. I've always dated guys who prefer bigger girls, or didn't know they did but do now (LOL). I really am glad there are all kinds of people who can love all the other different kinds of people. I've always dieted in the past because who I was with wanted me smaller. That is NOT a good reason. I have dieted a few other times for other people or with another person. This time it's ME for ME by ME!

I want to say a quick thank you to those of you who are tolerating my endless diet blabber. :) Eventually I hope to retrain my way of thinking about food and won't be so "in your face" about all of it :)

Lets Try This Again...

Fall has always been a great time of change for me. I realised a few weeks ago that I no longer fit into the jeans I wore home from Chicago a little over a year ago. I don't mean just a little snug not fit. I couldn't even get them over my butt. As depressing as that seems I know it's my own fault. It seems like every time I've dieted, I've lost a few lbs and then gained that back and more. So now that I have gained over 100lbs in the last year...It's time for a change. I am using MyPlate on LiveStrong.com to keep track of what I'm eating. I don't have a goal, because a goal to me means there is an end. This is a lifetime diet...so it doesn't need an end. I am going to do my best and try and blog as often as I can. Just as an example I counted my calories for yesterday and I ate 5,284 calories. I sat back and thought to myself....No wonder I'm gaining like I am. I know there are days I've eaten more. It scares me that I turn to food when I get stressed or depressed. I know only I can do something about it. So far today I've eaten about 994 calories :) So MAJOR CHANGE!...This week I am going to focus on learning what to eat and try and size my stomach down to where I'm not hungry all the time. Water is my friend :)